>The truth has no temperature. >Worship has no exceptions. >Irony has no redemptive qualities (2024)

I remember that anon.

I wonder what he thinks of my short story.

Post it.

I can see potential but it is inconsistent in style, word choice too often seems to be about avoiding repetitions/adding color which ultimately detracts, if you want to avoid repetition or add color rework or restructure the sentence instead of just throwing in an adjective/changing a noun. This is probably my biggest issue with it, it works against your style which is fairly direct and simple. you just lay things out as they are without fuss and then when a noun suddenly changes or an adjective gets thrown in it causes dissonance which serves no purpose and often a redundancy which adds nothing.

Thematically you seem to be working towards a comment on the absurdity of contemporary life? If so it is decently developed but his walk does not quite convey that absurdity, suggests but I could not see it until the bear showed up. There is a fine line there and the first part needs to remain realistic and not become blatantly absurd, I think you erred a bit too much on the cautious side and the walk is more banal . The ending I assume is to be him giving up or giving into the absurdity? It is a little ambiguous.

I think with a little effort into revision you could have a solid little story there and most of its faults are minor mostly showing a lack of polish and attention to the sentence level; minor redundancies like Texan and Dallasonian which don't really add anything, discontinuities like the laptop just appearing right before you needed it for the story, and the already mentioned word choice issues. Overall I liked it and hope to eventually see a more refined version.

If you have not read them I would check out Richard Brautigan's short stories (Revenge of the Lawn) and Breece DJ Pancake. Brautigan plays with/uses/exploits absurdity in a similar way to you and he should help you develop that. The first part of your story really reminded me of Pancake in the way you use the environment and his short collection should help you develop that. Keep at, anon.

Thank you very much anon. You've seem to have given the best take on my short story so far. Everything you've said, I completely agree with, especially sentence structure (which really needs some polishing).

The walk was a bit rushed on my part, I was mostly invested in the bear scene. If I return to it and restructure it, then it'll be much better, I can assure you.

Thanks for reading it thoroughly, I'll keep this advice in mind.